Sleep Monster 1, Sandman 0
This very moment I decided to call it the “Sleep Monster.” It’s not the monster in my closet or the one under my bed — it’s the one in my head. The one that won’t let me fade off into dreamy bliss where I can have imaginary adventures – and on those rare, good nights, maybe I dream about enjoying mind-blowing, hot, dirty sex with a celebrity goddess like Angelina Jolie - who just happens to be the choice celebrity goddess this night because a) I spent a half hour watching the immortal James Lipton interview her on “Inside the Actor’s Studio” (Hopefully, HE doesn’t show up in my “sex with Angelina” dream) and b) I’ve decided she reminds me of one of my co-workers (or vice versa). Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll have a threesome dream with both of them (Then again, Who am I kidding? I can’t even dream THAT good.)
Anyway, the Sleep Monster got me tonight. Probably my own fault. I broke the routine. I was too tired to go to the gym after work. After I stayed late at work to catch up. And I didn’t shower. And I ate too late. And I spent too much time on the damn computer and not enough time lounging on the couch zoning out in front of the TV (Where’s Man vs. Wild when I need it? Damn you Bear!). Most importantly I didn’t shower - for reasons unknown – and all those little things seem to be extremely valuable weapons in my battle against the Sleep Monster.
The Sleep Monster, to define it, is the manifestation of those random thoughts, disappointments, concerns, worries, fright, and other bullshit things that roam around in my head. Basically, I’m in this wierd sort of limbo with my personal life and in my career with no real idea how to get out of it. I have a few of those major decisions I feel I need to make – but no way to determine which is the best choice for me. It’s like picking a watermelon. We all know the drill here right: you pick up the melon, you give it a few taps, you listen for something that tells you: yes, this is a good melon. Except, while most of us do this, DO YOU REALLY know what to listen for? I admit: I don’t. I have NO FRICKEN idea. And yet, I know if I was buying a watermelon, I would do this “tap listen” charade to prospective melons three or four before probably deciding the first one was most likely, the best one. You know, that ole ”go with your gut instinct” attitude that serves us so well on multiple choice tests & while trying to manuever our way out of a casino.
These decisions I need to make are the same. All of my choices are mostly long term, and all of them, when I do the “taptaptap & listen” routine, look (sound?) to be fine choices. Except – and here’s the big problem – I really just have no idea what I want in life.
So ultimately the conundrum that is the beating, throbbing, pounding heart of my Sleep Monster is: WHAT IN HELL DO I WANT?
The answer escapes me. I just don’t know what I want.
I know those times, in the past, where I thought I knew what I wanted - often ended up with me writhing in pain wondering how the hell I could be so stupid. Which, makes me trust my gut instinct even less, because it’s job I believe, is to help me make the right decisions when I don’t know what I want. Right? Isn’t that how it works? Christ Almighty, I wish I knew what to do.
Until I figure it out, I’ll be haunted by the Sleep Monster. It’s been there for years now, waiting for me almost every night at the gateway to dreamworld (The motherfucker even brings a damn lunchbox if I’m late).
I don’t know how to make it go away. And so here I sit, slouching in front of my laptop in my condo in Sin City, suffering from insomnia and hoping that just maybe, writing about my Sleep Monster will help me slay the savage beast one dream — or perhaps, more accurately, one decision — at a time.
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sometimes you just gotta throw caution to the wind, bro…. i don’t think you can really ever know what you want until you DO something (or don’t do that something) and then look back on your decision and say, “wow. that turned out great. that was exactly what i wanted.” how can you know what you want when you have no control (or very little control) over the consequences of your decisions?? the very thing you think you want could end up being the last thing in the world you really ever wanted to happen, b/c life just turns out that way. I try to think about the bigger picture – i.e. Do i want to be in a long-distance relationship? NO. But… if I don’t try it, will I regret it? will i always wonder what could have been? YES. If you only think about the details of your decisions (i.e. should you move or not move) you will become paralyzed by the enormity of it. Remember what you told ME – each decision/event is not the GOAL. The goal is happiness and satisfaction and meaning in life. Think back a few years…. you could have stayed in Btown where you had good friends, a decent job, and family. You didn’t KNOW that you wanted to be in Vegas, you just knew you wanted to NOT be in Btown anymore, you needed something different. And, it worked out great for you – good experience, great friends… the same thing will happen to you no matter where you go or what you do. Don’t be afraid to fully accept where you are and make the most of it or to take a deep breath and jump into the unknown. Don’t be like DAD and remain in a place (physically or emotionally) because you are too afraid to take the risk